Batnamn: An excerpt from Batmans Namn Journal.

An Excerpt From Batmans Vietnamn Diary.

Day 23-
I sure wish the guys here would stop being such dicks to me. They know I don’t like guns, they love them. So, with nothing much to do in a war without guns I have been spending my time in brothels and bars. I have a borderline drinking problem, but hey, you might call it my one flaw…besides my crippling fear of guns and orphan status. I also have a series of red ulcers south of the border that I am hoping is just a sweat rash.
The other annoying thing about this country is the uniforms…did someone say DRAB!? I mean, I get that we gotta hide from the enemy and thus dressing to suit the surrounds is sensible, but couldn’t we dress it up a little. Green is so not my colour, but my disdain for guns already has some of the men suspecting I am gay, and I think they still kill gay people here, so I will keep the luxury bat suit out of sight.

Day 44-
I miss Gotham. I could sure go for a slice of za right now, Asian food doesn’t agree with me. I mean, its ridiculous, I am rushing to the john every five minutes. At least there is beer, good, AMERICAN beer. I got a telegram from Alfred saying keep your head up, not too far up, and that it was just the same in Korea. I don’t think he went to Korea. I hope he isn’t taking the bat-mobile out to wine country, I warned him about that.
I am learning Vietnamese since I don’t have anything else to do, not that eloquent a language. I also lost many thousands of dollars in a card game against some guy named Ning. I think Ning is now one of the more wealthy over here, don’t let it be said I am not a contributor.

Day 50-
Really starting to hate it here, they don’t even have broadband. How can I stream gossip girl without broadband? Matter of fact, they are years behind, they don’t even have gossip girl in most places, Charlie is raving about the OC and in some of the poorer areas Dawsons Creek. Remember Dawsons Creek? God, those dudes must be like 40 now.
Alfred keeps texting me saying Robin is trying to enlist. He assumes it will make him a Man, from boy wonder to man wonder. I don’t wanna see that guy, it’s the only mistake I ever made.
Come to think of it, why the fuck am I here? Rich dudes don’t go to Vietnamn, they chill by the pool and chisel their guns, fighting crime by night.
There is not a looker in the bunch over here, but my raging libido continues to force me well below my usually impeccable standards. Luckily no-one has to know about it, that kind of thing could ruin the ‘Mans sterling reputation.

Day 67-
I threw a canister of mustard gas into a schoolhouse today. Not my proudest moment. I guess you could say this war is growing on me. Or I am growing on it. Hard to say really. My sergeant is pretty pushy, I try to tell him to calm down, that he’ll have a stroke, but I don’t think he cares.
I have been auditioning black guys as sidekicks, its hard to find one who isn’t too cool. The caped crusader cant be overshadowed. I take some of them out to the forest and make them watch me practise karate, so they know who the boss is.
I have also been running some Shakespearean productions, in between blanket bombings, to keep morale up. Sadly there is a distinct lack of culture amongst the ranks and most of them question the lack of naked chicks.

Day 81-
Now the Batman is really starting to get war crazy. Fuck fighting crime, ill fight everything! A Charlie chopper passed overhead on a scouting mission yesterday and instead of ducking for cover I gave them the finger and mooned them. They didn’t shoot me, probably intimidated by my bat-buns.
The only really annoying thing is its hard to keep my coke habit going. I brought a shit ton with me and it was cool cause im a military man and the customs are pretty laxed here. But I have just about run through that.
I don’t have any servants to go cop for me and I don’t know shit about buying drugs, especially here. We are a long way from Mexico after all.
Getting drunk is still fun, the Batliver is a resilient little devil.

Day 100-
Just ran into Robin Williams, he is on the wagon now. Damn Shame.
It looks like I am getting discharged, thank god. I can get back to my first love, fly fishing. Talk about exhilarating, fishing’s bad over here though.
I have SUCH a craving for chocolate and strawberries, maybe with a little ‘Clueless’ thrown in. O..M..G I LOVE that movie.
I think its safe to say I am done with war, from now on the only fight I will engage in is the fight of emotional vulnerability….oh and crime, also crime.