Why the Guy Sebastian Prospect is an Embarrassment and a Travesty to Both Australia and Eurovision.

If you are even faintly aware of Guy Sebastian you will know his potential for cringe. Sure he has a great voice, sure he won a bullshit competition, sure he teamed up with the objectively killer Lupe Fiasco.

But on the other hand he took a long ass time to get laid which is not how playboys do, has an unusually wide and boxy face and made his pretty-much white-guy afro front and center of his Australian idol campaign. Unlike Shannon Noll who had the damn class to make his terrible soul patch the focus of his. I have always been a Noll man, even despite this bitchy shit:

This fuckin' thing.

                                             All lifes regret in one small patch of fur. 

While it is pretty-well undeniable that Guy Sebastian is the biggest success to come out of Australian Idol and arguably one of the most successful Australian singers in the last decade or so I still don't trust him. In some ways he is too vanilla, in some ways he is too weird and not in the fun way. He seems like the kind of guy who would fuck with his socks on or would call his parents to get him at midnight on a sleep over, never quite able to commit.

If you know anything of Eurovision, you know it is weird. It made its name on the back of ABBA; to some a carefree disco band, to some a group hitting at the very humanity of love and life, to me a bunch of Aryan nihilists unhappy with their fat wallets and effortless good looks. Obviously it goes deeper and gets way weirder.

Lordi, the Finnish heavy metal band who dress somewhere between Rob Zombie and Kurt Russell in the Escape movies, won in 2006. Apparently this was classed as 'making history'. Weirdly though, they are a good band who make good music. They just spend a bunch of time getting made up to look like Davy Jones in Pirates.

Conchita Wurst, who won last year, was a bearded lady.

In 2012 these delusional Russian weirdos entered.

Except they weren't really delusional. Europe is weird, purely because it is a relatively small land mass to contain so many conflicting and old cultures. Russians love vodka, Greeks love ouzo, Brits love piss-warm beer, Germans love good beer and the French love themselves. It is a real hot-pot of different ideas and ideals. Slot this into the context of an intercontinental song contest and there is no earthly reason off-key nuns shouldn't be proudly singing the song of their equally weird people.

Eurovision is popular in Australia; the winners get a good run in the press, the contest is televised to big audiences and watercooler conversation runs rampant that special time of year. Call it good tacky fun, it is probably the fun of the piss-take that enthralls us.

And being the staunch competitors we are, shouldn't we love the idea of a real competitor entering this domain of weird? For the win, for the gold?

No, we should not. Here are a few reasons why:

It is Eurovision.

I know the second part is vision, which is obliquely common to us all, but the first part is Euro. We are, geographically and culturally, on opposite ends of the spectrum. Can we not just let them have their fun? And watch from a distant land with a pizza coagulating on the coffee table, a bong within arms reach and a cold slab in the fridge? Is that not Eurovision to us Australians?

Why not Iran, they are borderline Europe and would be a shitload more fun to watch than this guy...Sebastian.

It is Not A Fair Fight.

Name a world competition where a nation need not compete but proceed directly to the finals? Name one and I will show you a bullshit competition. Allowing Australia in at all undercuts the very ethos of Eurovision and allowing us to proceed without challenge undercuts the very ethos of competition. To quote that douchebag Derryn Hinch, 'Shame, shame, shame'.

It Takes A Spot Away from More Deserving Countries.

I don't know but do imagine with confidence that winning Eurovision, or even competing, is like the fuckin' lottery to countries like Slovakia, Latvia, Lithuania, Serbia, Estonia, Moldova and Georgia. Putting Australia in pole position automatically snuffs a chance for one of those countries; more deserving, more enthusiastic and you know it would mean a whole bunch more to them.

Our Entry Doesn't Really Represent Australia.

Eurovision, despite all it's insanity, is a patriotic affair. It's about being blindly proud of your country and what it can do in 'music'.

I am not suggesting Guy Sebastian is not Australian, just that he is not quintessentially Australian. By that I mean he is not drunk, racist, a keen cricket fan, on centrelink, the owner of a Monaro or brewing his own beer and cooking his own meth as a matter of pride.

Surely a better representative would be this guy:

He is Doubtless Weird, But is He Eurovision Weird.

As I mentioned above, Eurovision demands a certain amount of weirdness. I also mentioned Guy Sebastian is weird and, once more, the difference in types of weird. He is, at least to me, comfortably straddling the line between weird and creepy.

Put it this way; I cannot picture him gently delivering his lyrics to the sound of rhythmic glass breaking, the back-beat of a hairy fist on a dead goats stomach, all while having his hair corn-rowed by an ageing over-weight Hatian prostitute.

So then the bigger question looms, is he really Eurovision material?

NP.