My boss mentioned to me the other day,
when I complained of the excess cardboard and Styrofoam in the import
desks and chairs I am tasked to put together, that the packaging
industry is 'the best one to be in'. I like knowing things for sure
and rarely take anyone’s word point blank, I am the pain in the ass
googling your dubious or semi-dubious claims mid-conversation, but I
took his with a fair whack of credence. He is a business owner, and
has been going ever-steady for 20 something years. Anyway, turns out
he is right,
https://www.visiongain.com/Press_Release/546/Global-packaging-market-to-be-worth-709BN-in-2013%E2%80%9D-says-Visiongain-report
. Go ahead and scan, it isn't exactly Twilight or something else that
people like reading. But the number should jump out, 709 billion
dollary-doos. With that kinda dough I could buy me some eyeballs, or
recreate NASA 38 and one half times. It seems it is in the best
interest of the industry to pack the holy-shit out of everything.
But I am a begrudging believer in that
old beauty; capitalism. I will deal with the excesses of the
packaging industry at work because I too live and die by the bottom
line, the dollar (or the Pound sterling if you round your vowels and
drink tea). Where I am less accepting is in the home, as a consumer.
You have won the game. You spent
untold money on getting me to the point of looking at, let alone
buying, your product. Don't bend me over now. Just let me get it in
my greasy mitts so I can realise what a disappointing and unnecessary
purchase it was, stew in the depression of wasteful spending until I
can go out and buy some other space-age and impossible to open dodad,
lather, rinse and repeat.
By now you have probably conjured some
or another image of an item of packaging that has broken your heart
in the past, but let me be specific so I can keep this shittiness
from killing me early.
Hard Plastic Vacuum Sealed Goods.
My best guess would be that this is the
inbred child of security and display. Sure, it looks good on the
shelf, but you can't exactly slip it out of its cover and pocket it.
Logical enough. But for the same reason it is not an easy steal it is
also an easy frustrator. Likewise, the same reason it looks good on
display is why I want to get to it as soon as possible. This
combination has led me, at various times to; using serated knives,
chopping as though I was trying to split wood, burning my way in and
chewing for countless hours on unforgiving plastic.
Thing is, I totally get the purposes
of this kind of packing. The other thing is, I have seen it done
better, we all have. The simple button/hole with staple method is
much less maddening and equally secure and pretty. Doing it any other
way is encouraging homicide in normal suburban consumers, who only
wanted razors and not the slaying of human meat.
Shit That Makes Me Wanna Keep The Box.
I fucking hate clutter. Anyone who
knows me will hate this about me, but also vouch for its truth.
Clutter is as bad, or worse, than a gastro infection that causes you
to shit and puke out ten percent of your mass. It may even be worse
than unforgiving cotton underpants jammed between your buttocks on a
hot day, at very least it is line ball.
Then the point of high-end companies
like Apple, Samsung, Sony and LG is to jam unforgiving cotton between
my buttocks. Sure I am a fan of the product itself; works great, does
everything I need of it, makes me look like I have some sense of
taste and so on.
The unfortunate by-product is
packaging that has that same appeal. Sure it is good to look at, but
the bigger predicament is the cost of high end goods. In tossing the
box of a smartphone or laptop or whatever, I feel like I am throwing
money away. On their end the it is simply a way to make their shit
look as good and high-class as it is. On my end, it's why I have a
useless wood-grain Samsung phone box cluttering the fuck out of my
emotional China Shop.
CD's
I am one of those dumb fellas who
still, on occasion, buys CD's. I don't really do it for some weird
righteous reason, I am not better than you and I am not trying to
support true artists or something. I just like the booklet. The music
was never the be all, end all for me. I like reading the lyrics, the
thank-you's and where that shit was recorded.
I do prefer records, though not
because I am a hipster hell bent on image. Proof? This is me right
now:
The bottom half is grey also, like my
soul.
I like records better because they
sound better and also because, unless you are an arse hole, you can't
fuck their packaging up. It is forgiving cardboard and unless you are
wearing sports footwear a step won't make a huge difference. Also the
artwork is bigger and the liner notes are often more in depth.
Forward! CD's for the most part, are
made of plastic jewel cases. Likely efficient to produce but a
fucking nightmare if you buy one. The hinges fail, they crack with a
strong wind and the packaging they use for double-albums is a whole
other blog. The reason the discs themselves prospered as they did is
that they are nearly invincible. Provided you take care of them they
will, theoretically, play forever. Or, at least, for a long ass time.
Vinyl does not have that, but at least you can't fuck the sleeve up
unless you are trying to. Some people just want to see the world
burn.
Dust Jackets.
I know, this is the thing that will
determine the value of your super rare book. But most books aren't
super rare and any hard back falls into one of two categories:
- It has the same image on the dust-jacket as the cover.In this case there is exactly zero point in a dust-jacket, unless it is a first edition.
- It looks cooler without the dust-jacket.The thinking behind dust-jackets is that they can, sometimes, contain more information without cheapening the book itself. A good example is Billy-Bob Clinton's creatively titled 'My Life' which features this generic ass picture.
The
book beneath that bullshit cover though, kinda super classy. Black
fabric with gold lettering, like most books that have a dust-jacket.
My
other major issue is that it is pointless either way. Dust is not the
problem it once, apparently, was. We have vacuum cleaners, feather
dusters and we don't primarily live on the plains any more. Also, how
do paperbacks deal with dust? Is it merely the realm of high-society?
Non-Twist Top Beers and Beverages.
You guys know how sometimes people
pretend they are cooler than they really are, right? Their uncle
might have been to Vietnamn, they are fifteenth cousins with Brad
Pitt or their Dad was one of the original Hells Angels, and one of
the most ruthless. In fact, Hells Angels are only as calm as they are
today because your mates dad was so psycho?
Yeah, well this is the drink version
of that. Something so pristine you need to buy a special thing to
access it, or fuck up your benchtop or teeth. Cracking these things
open is a hot skill for the fact it has to be. If you have a slab of
Becks and no opener you have to improvise.
What I am saying is that the
difficulty in opening a beer should not equate with the quality of
said beer, yet it does. The rule is basically this; a pop-top is a
superior drop and is thus worth the time in popping said top.
It is super not true. Every beer in
the world should be a twist top. I don't care how classy you feel
popping the top on a cold one, it should be easier. An ale or lager
should not be judged on how hard it is to drink. The opposite ,it
should be judged on how smooth it goes down.
Toilet Paper.
Everyone who has an arse needs to wipe
it. For those among us who take yoghurt ads seriously that will be
once a day, to others I hope at least a couple times a week. Of all
the things for sale, sold and marketed every day it is fair to say
that some incarnation of toilet paper is needed by all.
The packaging is not my true worry
with this industry. Clear plastic seems appropriate, easy to break
into, easy to discard. My problem is the fucking glue.
We aren't Rockefeller's, we go down
home on shit-tickets. The problem with that is that the cheaper you
buy the more glue they use. The idea is to keep the roll from
unfurling in transit.
Though the more cynical part of myself
(which is to say, me), would say they over-apply to ruin the roll,
and the next, and next in an effort to get you to buy cheap poo-paper
sooner than you need it. The world is out to fuck us, you guys.
If those in the packaging world could
address these problems, I think my life would be perfect. Or, most
peoples lives would be a sliver better.
NP.
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