Drunk Species, Explained.

Alcohol is a highly enjoyable substance, for the majority of folks , and also has a tendency to highlight different underlying things in different people. I refer to these IAEs (Inebriated Alter Egos) as Drunk Species. The relationships between them, much like in the wild, can be cordial or volatile, as you will see. Most who drink with any regular prowess will fit into one, two or a hybrid combination of these categories...

1. The Hugger/Overly Emotional Drunk.
This has, at least once, in most consumers drinking careers been them and if not they at least know the type. One wrapped so tightly in emotion that they feel the need to express love or regret with each turn. They are rarely angry, but usually upset or overwhelmed with a manner they could never express sober. While most will be embarrassed by this individual, some will join their ranks and hug, cry and talk with passion right back.

2. The ‘mentions-he/she-is-drunk-every-few-seconds’ Drunk.
The one who, usually speaking, has very few drinks and is endlessly proclaiming how entirely wasted they are. It seems these folks jumped the ‘alcohol is fun’ boat and consider it a point in their notoriety column. Of course, as any hardened bottle tipper knows, notoriety only comes with a good amount of booze, on a regular basis, without forming a habit and with silence on the matter.

3. The quite Drunk.
Says vary little, obviously. May be at the party purely as a means to avoid drinking alone again and will be on his/her fifteenth when you are on your fifth. Rarely moves from his chosen seat, watches intently and may be expected to be asleep in his chair, with ten or so on you, by the end of the night.

4. The Aggressive Drunk.
Keen on making trouble where there is none, often feels a fight is the only necessary option or, again, a means to acquire some notoriety. Will consistently assume someone said something about him and or his lady friend and is prepared to throw wobbly fisticuffs over it. Again missing the fun booze cruise and drinking a bottle to de-bottle his anger at other things.

5. The Philosophical Drunk.
One who uses their euphoria as a means to think outside their own specific box. Usually speaks on bigger issues and has little concern for which girls/guys he/she finds attractive or what radio stations they might enjoy. Can be obnoxious, unrelenting and unwilling to have any shallow, harmless fun.

6. The Dead/Dying/Desperate Drunk.
The one who will, night after night, wipe themselves out in the early stages of the party. It is often men, and often as a means to prove themselves, as the supposed hardest drinkers around. Of course, what they don’t see is their lifeless bodies being carried, cleaned, undressed or ignored by comrades. In the event that they don’t turn their beat-box up to rumba right away, they can be expcted to be intangibly drunk for the majority of an evening and be among the last of the bottom-feeders, stumbling around sucking the remnants from the bottoms of bottles and slamming down ale and tobacco ash cocktails without so much as a flinch.

7. The nonsensical drunk.
Super duper annoying. Will tell endless stories that don’t go anywhere or aren’t at all interesting. Will demand the spotlight despite the greater majority being annoyed at or bored of them. Can be relied on to forget the punch lines of all of their already awful jokes yet talk loudly over genuinely interesting partygoers to tell more of the same.

8. The Romantic Drunk(s).
Will often show wildly uncomfortable romantic/sexual gestures in sure view of everybody. Often as a tactic of letting the party know how completely in love they are, or how damn attractive they find each other. I suppose the idea is that they should be the center of attention and we should admire how damn smitten they are. Though, to be fair, they are relatively harmless.

9. The Fun Drunk.
By far the best. Will dance, sing, tell jokes and nail the punch line every time. Super friendly and not at all threatening. Will treat you the same as an, assumed, likeminded individual looking for the same good time they are. Can light up a room and make or break a party. ‘Is Joe gonna be there?’…’THEN I WILL TOO!!!’.

NP.