The REAL Australian Constitution, Part 1.

The constitution, as it stands, does a fine job of ruling this country in a legal sense but drops the ball on Australian etiquette, social standards and nuances that can become larger obstacles than they need to be. As such, I have made it my duty to informally correct and revise or entirely replace, or add, sections to the fine Australian constitution.

1. Beer shall be drank from the bottle or can, when purchased as such, and only from a glass in venues which serve it in such a manner.

2. The only proper way to apply sauce, and only tomato sauce, to a meat pie is via ‘sauce injection’ in, or as close as possible, to the center.

3. From henceforth, Waltzing Matilda, shall be considered the official anthem. To be sung as intoxicated as possible and so, after sporting events. In the absence of an adequate recording of such, Cold Chisels ‘Khe Sahn’ or Men at Works ‘Land Down Under’ should be considered apt substitutes.

4. Vegemite shall be served on toast, as thickly as possible and to the outer perimeters of said toast, to all foreign dignitaries, presidents and at all official meetings of parliament as the main course. Where necessary, a vegemite and cheese sandwich may also be applicable.

5. The lavatory shall be referred to as ‘The Dunny’, with no exceptions. Defecating shall, also, be referred to as ‘Giving Birth to A Politician’.

6. Footy shorts and thongs, as well as driza-bone jackets and akubras, with or without blundstones, are perfectly acceptable attire to a wedding, black tie event or parliamentary meeting. To the extent that they are encouraged and could be considered, at the organisers discretion, to be mandatory.

7. It shall be considered a punishable offence to attend a piss-up without anything to contribute. The rules on sentence shall be the following ; arriving with nothing shall be considered ‘bad form’. Arriving with beer shall be considered ‘good form’. Arriving with a local beer shall be considered ‘great form’. Arriving with anything but beer shall be considered ‘shit form’. However, this rule should be vetoed in the event that the attendee is, in fact, ‘broke as a joke’.

8. The act and atmosphere of relaxation and easy-goings shall be enforced by legislation. If a potentially troublesome situation is met with any reply, other than ‘She'll be right mate’ the offence should be reported and is punishable by fines, considerable jail time or, in extreme cases, execution minus any means of trial.

9. A shout should be returned, promptly and with no protest. If one will not provide a shout, one should not accept a shout. This should be mentioned upfront so each is aware of the specific policy to be implemented in that drinking session. If the establishment is crowded, a shouters seat should always be reserved and one shant be expected to shout anything but full-strength beer.

10. A taxi shall only be called when one is not yet inebriated enough to drive in a proper manner. Inside the transport, the usual questions should be posed; “where are you from, mate?”, “how long til you knock off?”, “had many fares tonight?” and the like. The currency can be anything that remain in your pockets from the resulting drinks you’ve had, but should always be handed over in a sporadic and dishevelled fashion, along with a prompt ‘thanks mate’ and exit of the vehicle.

As all is not right with our humble Lucky Country, there shall be more, forthcoming of these necessary updates to our current guidelines document.

NP.