Note On Decisions

I don't know about you, but I am consistently indecisive. Its as if deciding between the chicken parma and the chicken with pepper sauce (a treat, to be sure) is climbing Everest with one bad knee and one good hangover.

It's hard to say why it is I am like this, less of a sceptic might say it was the way god made me but I don't buy it. I am not naturally anything (aside from tall and handsome), but least of all one who flip-flops.

It would be fair to say, with the modesty I can muster, that part of it is not wanting to be blamed for making a bad decision. I don't want to be the one everyone looks at while we aren't enjoying the porridge I decided on for dinner, I mean that’s the kind of thing that can haunt you.

But that’s in a group situation. In deciding something that effects only me, I am no more successful. Too caught up in possible regrets, obviously more with major life decisions (like whether to make a sly remark to that sexy gardener or not) than with petty things.

For instance, I have done my share of moving in the five years since I graduated but still I am not content. I think there is something in common between the indecisive and the travel fiend, some place is always better.

While most of my friends have either committed to long-term jobs or study I am left starting my under-graduate at 23 and only one diploma to my name. In some sense I did a lot of living in that time (and a hell of a lot of line-dance troupe try-outs) but getting my proverbial shit together I

did not.

I guess the real issue I have is that nothing is ideal, I try to be a realist, but I am simply not. My ambitions often overtake my means and, though it is getting better as I get older, I am still not willing to settle.  

When the world shits on you, its probably consumed curry.

Maybe a more Kosher way of saying that would've been 'when it rains, it pours' but the worst you get on a rainy day is water logged feet.
I guess I am realizing, more and more, how boring the world is; at least to me.
It's like waiting for a bus, but the thing is always late. You're destination may well be beautiful, it might be a live action orgasm, but if the bus doesn't show up you'll never get there.You keep looking and waiting for the fucking thing but it turns out its a cab or some cocksucker in a midlife-crisis-Porsche.
Or maybe that's just me. I definitely don't think the world is against me or anything quiet so emo. More that there is something in me that compels me to fuck up each and every opportunity for something better.
With each one I try to reassure myself that I learn from each one, but I don't. I make the same mistakes all-the-fucking time.
I'm my own worst enemy.
And the worst thing of all, when I look back at my list of catastrophic fuck-ups I realize I am the kind of person I once hated, especially for bitching about it online.