One of the major perils of being in a
relationship is surrendering some or all of you're former life. It is
unavoidable, there are only so many hours in a day.
If handled well those close to you
will get equal face time (or at least feel like they are), if handled
poorly, you are likely to isolate those who used to mean a lot to
you.
It is not to say you can possibly
spend as many hours talking nonsense with your mates, you shouldn't
want to. Of course, a healthy relationship survives on spending time
with your significant other, but a healthy friendship survives on the
same.
One theory that is notable in this
issue is the independent/co-dependent theory. Everyone is living
multiple lives most of the time. You are:
- The 'you' only you know.
- The 'you' your family knows (maybe additionally different with different family members, I.e different to your mother than you are to an uncle)
- The 'you' your friends know.
- The 'you' you are at work.
- The 'you' your wife, husband, girl or boyfriend know.
These are all aspects of one cohesive
unit. They have to be, you can't be totally alien between any two of
these groups. Often its more a case of what you omit or what you say
or how you say it. A sexual encounter may be a crude or exciting
event as you explain it to your friends or a sign of hopeless love
and commitment when explained to your mother.
While these groups can and do
co-exist, they all vie for a piece of your time- one on one. In some
sense they all need it. You don't bring your wife to work with you,
nor do you invite your boss to share your marital bed.
Frequently these other groups get put
on standby for your infatuation with the other . You both had lives
before you got together and those lives will still be there if you
break up. The people around you shouldn't be put on standby while you
schmooze with each other.
Nor should you deprive yourself of
time away from your girlfriend or boyfriend. Alone time is important,
social time is important. Not just important, but equally important
as that with your lover.
No-one wants to feel second best or
like someone is taking you away from them and the challenge is in
maintaining their value, for them and you. You need the life you have
with your partner and the one you have away from them.
Just because you had the good fortune
of finding someone, from a platonic lover to a soul mate, doesn't
mean you should be any less responsible for your other
responsibilities.
