Orientation week at university is
something of a farce. Usually in one of two ways; a cute little fun
tour or an all out piss-up. While both these can be fun and
informative, key things are often left out. Such useful information
might not be realised until a senior year, or never. Some things are
for your own good, others for the benefit of your co-students. Likely
a lot of it will have already occurred to you as critical thinking,
logical studiers. In the event it hasn't this is what has occurred to
me in five years and three tertiary institutes (I could say
universities, but that would be giving a false accolade to one of the
tertiary institutes).
Where to shit?
While this is unpleasant and we all
love to pretend it is not our problem, it is, I assure you. I am no
advocate of public toilets, particularly in tackling the 'dump
question'. But it's a reality and something that bears thinking
about. It will likely cross over to your day-life, but will be
pertinent at university. Long hours studying, bad food, frantic class
schedules, stress smoking, stress coffee and a pack a day prune habit
(#studentlife). Unless you are a hot chick in a yoghurt ad, the odds
are you will have to deal with your godless deed on campus at some
point.
What you are looking for here is the
least awkward place to do the devils work. Isolated buildings,
disabled toilets, a staff bathroom (stathroom?) or the little
porcelain palace on the edge of campus. The obvious thing here is to
dodge the chance of running into ANYONE. Or, if others chance to have
the same tactic, to be as far from the scene of the crime as possible
when they show up to commit. Deny responsibility, avoid detection.
This varies extremely from campus to
campus. Libraries are a traditionally anti-brown zone, though the
library at Sydney University is 8 stories tall and each has a
personal, and lockable, toilet with a floor-to-ceiling window view of
the ANZAC bridge. Just joyous.
In a general sense though they will be
seldom used lecture halls, neglected floors of tall buildings,
underground retreats that are not known to the general pooping
public. Your best bet is to explore with an empty colon. I do, every
time! Happy hunting true believers.
Where to sit?
Class is a nightmare for the socially
awkward. If you consist on a diet of meat and tobacco, as I do, or
consist on a diet of regular phone calls and texts or chat snaps (A
thing?) and such, this is a thing of careful consideration.
The conventional wisdom is to sit near
the door. It ensures easy escape when the boring teacher quits being
dumb, or when your bestie calls cause Jamie likes her or whatever.
But conventional wisdom is just that, an idea shared by the masses.
It really depends on the two schools;
If you are expecting a phone call, or
know you will get one because you are cute or dreamy, sit by the
door. But not right in front of it; the rear corner nearest the door
will ensure a quick turnaround and might have the perk of no
neighbours. A seat in front of the door will put you between two
others who have similar theories. The chance that you will all get
bestie calls at the same time is too great, do the wise thing.
If, like me, you are smell conscious.
Sit as close as you can to the teacher. As a 24 year old male I am
comfortable enough to sit near an adult (#totallamewad) and
understand the dynamics at play amongst my fresh-out-of-high-school
comrades. People will actively avoid sitting that close to the dumb
teacher and you can breathe easy, knowing that your stink cannot
possibly jump a desk-long barrier (CAN IT!?!?).
The only problem is with a crammed
class or a mature aged student. A crammed class will ensure a
neighbour, who is often late and wants to redeem themselves. Mature
aged students have the equal comfort near the teacher and,
apparently, bloodhound like noses.
When To Talk?
Questions opened to the open forum of a
classroom are a two pronged sword:
The first prong is the 'I might be
wrong so I will wait until someone else says something'. This is by
far the more noble and logical choice. No-one likes being torn down
by their peers and, in any case, you can be only ever be kinda right.
The risk to reward ratio is a fools errand. So sitting on ones hands
is the logical course of action for those whose esteem is holding on
by a thread. Also, if they make fun of me Jenny won't think I am
kick-arse.
The second is the 'no-one is talking,
my time to shine', the anti-thesis of the first. It's a
thunder-stealer, the realm of teachers pets. OR, a big or, it is the
realm of people who got confidence from the silence of the squad. If
the quite-types had a valid inclusion, aka any reason to tear you or
your thoughts down, they would say something in the first place. This
is someone who isn't letting their parents pay several thousand
dollars a year for quiet time.
But to the thunder-stealers, the
silence is not an invitation for you to air all of your thoughts on
the topic. Every question has an answer. If you have one, come forth.
If not, be super uncomfortable like everyone else. The problem is
that you don't just throw a verbal spanner into the works, you throw
everything at it and don't know when to quit.
The key here is; try to gain
enlightenment by benefiting the greater good, not just allowing them
the benefit of everything you ever thought about.
