On Internet Acronyms and Altered Words: Making People More Retarded.

If you are even the slightest bit internet savvy, or indeed have been on the internet even once and haven’t been in a cave for the last decade you would’ve experienced these acronyms; hell you may have even used some yourself.
In my more youthful days I was, like most members of this tech generation, well versed in all of these ridiculous misappropriations of the fine English language. I used them recklessly and in most even somewhat available occasions.
In recent years I have regained control and began to speak like a civilized human, but it was certainly touch and go for a while there.
Of course, the time saving aspect and main justification for their existence is valid. But as with most things designed to make human life more bearable, they have gone too far.
While using them in internet conversation is still slightly tolerable, its when people begin to treat them as real words and litter their speech and manner with them that the problems really arise.
In case you are unaware, or in massive denial, about these bothersome little wannabe words, I will run a few of the more common ones down for you:

-LOL (Laugh Out Loud)
By far the most common and I must confess I still use this in internet conversation, much to my frustration. Old habits die hard I suppose.
Naturally, meant to be used when something is funny or you are indeed laughing out loud, all too often it is used when there is nothing else to be said. In this way it has replaced the vacant ‘yeah’ when you’re not hearing someone, or don’t care enough about the subject manner to listen, in face-to-face conversation. It is a nothing ‘word’ and I estimate that a good 80% of people aren’t Laughing Out Loud as they profess to be.
For the record, it is L-O-L (Not Loh-l), each letter has a meaning and it is not a word.
There is nothing more frustrating than in face-to-face conversation when someone says ‘loh-l’ after a humorous anecdote or a joke. They are saying ‘I found that amusing’, well fuck-face, just laugh…the way regular humans do.

-BRB (Be Right Back)
This is the second most common of these, and possibly the most useful. Used when, in those rare instances, you have to leave the computer to take a piss or get coffee. Trouble is most people just leave, so the most useful is useless as it is not used, funny old world.
The other comforting thing about this is that it can’t be easily used in regular conversation, due to a splendid lack of vowels. Retarded people are too retarded to attempt its pronunciation, and there is comfort in that.

- GTG (Got To Go)
What ever happened to ‘Goodbye’, I would like to know. When one doesn’t have the time to say a simple goodbye, things are very wrong. This one exemplifies how making things easier makes it seem as if they were hard to begin with, thus highlighting humanities stupidity. Luckily though this one can’t be turned into a word either, or I imagine there would be more murders committed by English scholars.

-ROFL (Rolling On the Floor Laughing)
This one is really stupid. It seems to have faded a little in recent years. I suppose the concept is that when something is more than a LOL it’s a ROFL, though in my 21 years I have never Rolled On the Floor Laughing, and if I were ROFLing, I would be too incapacitated to mention it on the internet chat, again when people say ‘RohFuL’ I just want to stab them.

Then there are the words that are altered, for no real reason other than to save a letter here or there, though those letters come at the cost of ones perceived intelligence and are, in my opinion, not at all worth it.
It is often teenage girls who implement this, though not solely. Here are a few, and only a few, as there are far too many to mention in full:

-Love becomes Luv
There must have been something wrong with the spelling of ‘love’ for those hundreds of years it was spelt that way, or, people are just dumber in this century. What is it worth saving that extra letter when you look dumb? Oh wait, you are dumb.

-Hate or Great becomes H8 or GR8
I can understand this in a text message, when the letters are restricted and it takes multiple punches on a key to get them, but on the internet when you have access to a full deck and unlimited characters, it is just stupid.

-You becomes U.
U is not a word, enough said.

The consequences of there various acronyms and abbreviations are more than you might imagine. When I was heavily into my acronym and ‘net language’ phase I found myself misspelling things on school essays and exams, resume and in letters. If, like most net jockeys, you are on the internet using this kind of language more often than not, its like a lie that you tell for so long it becomes truth.
While we have much more access to information than our parents did, if we keep spelling and speaking in this ridiculous manner we will reap none of the benefits.
So Sht Tha Fuk ^ n Stop tlkin like Kidz.

NP.

On 21st Presents: Practicality vs. Fun.

I have just gone through that other now redundant milestone; the 21st.
Of course legally speaking this birthday means exactly nothing in this country, perhaps the only slightly positive legal aspect is that I can get a drink in most countries I would want to get a drink at, and that apparently I can marry in India, Hong Kong and Nepal without parental consent which is quite the thrill.
When it comes to the question of presents for a 21st, each and every person has the battle of whether to play on the novelty of the outdated tradition or to treat it as any other birthday. Luckily, most obey the former.
It perhaps could’ve helped too that my party consisted of eighty percent middle aged aunts and uncles. In this respect the tradition is not dead yet.
The first ‘gifts’ I got were varying amounts of cash, useful to one who is, by a large majority of definitions, unemployable and out of work. It seemed each time I squandered one lot of birthday funds another was shortly to arrive. The timing was splendid and it has kept me going over the last few weeks.
I suppose when people give you such amounts of money they expect you would buy yourself a present with it. And I suppose they class a present as something you wouldn’t have bought yourself anyway, such as a nice pair of socks or a 80s compilation CD.
However, as none of these suppliers specify, I made the judgment call to spend the money on things that make me happy or, at worst, less miserable. Namely; drink and cigarettes, I am a class act.
The other early present I received was a book voucher. Vouchers are more specific, if someone really knows you and your spending habits well they will give you a voucher. It is something that says ‘I know you will waste money if I give you money, so I am giving you this’.
Certainly not a bad move, and its nice to have funds designated to the good side of your brain. Another thing is that in Use vs. Fun a book voucher is utterly useful to someone like me; an avid reader with his books locked in a box 4 hours away.
At the party the presents truly flowed. I will break them down based on their practical employment versus their novelty.
-A nice, sturdy canvas bag:
I don’t know how it goes with you fine folks, but a bag is only ever a practical item in my world. I am a hoarder of all kinds of junk, and more often than not I am taking that junk somewhere. So, throughout these travels I have gained an appreciation and a fondness of a good bag. It isn’t the funnest thing, but it certainly has its use.
- A 21st Beer Glass:
Perhaps a typical 21st present in most respects. Then again, its not really a 21st if you don’t get some sort of drinking apparatus. It is the rarity in that it fits equally into both Fun and Use. First of all, drinking is fun, and there is something manly about drinking from a purpose built glass. On use, as a drinker of Hahn Super Dry I was overjoyed to find the glass in question held a standard SD bottle perfectly, not a drop over or a drop under.
-A Kaleidoscope.
This one could be seen as inappropriate for a 21 year old, and in any other case would be. However, I immersed many hours in the world of the crystal lense as a youngster and associate memories of the twisting colors and shapes with happier more carefree times. Perhaps of note also is that the only kaleidoscope I ever properly used belonged to my Uncle, who gave me mine. Naturally this one is purely fun.
-A silver Celtic pocket watch”
I have always wanted a pocket watch. They are classy, manly and suave. So when I opened the lid on this fellow, I was delighted. It is a very practical gift for one who has no proper concept of time, due to an addled memory. However, it also has an element of fun and uniqueness to it. Plus, it’s the kind of thing I can own forever and will always remember my small moment in the sun when I look at its shiny engraving.
- Slick Black Dress Pants:
I am usually staunchly against clothing as presents. It has no fun to it, nothing you can really do but wear it (although, there once was a time that I would only have socks and undies when my grandmother got them for my June commemorations). Though, with the winds changing and my sense and interest in fashion and dressing well growing, and my need of new pants this is an apt gift. Black is certainly my color and, after tearing the crotch out of countless stretch jeans, it is always nice to have a slim but loose fit.
- A giant double ended dildo and g-string with cock sock.
If I were a bolder man, a more out loud and proud type, then these would be useful. But I garauntee that the friend who bought them didn’t have use intended, infact I think he would be disgusted if use resulted. The novelty is not lost on me, put it this way; if you own a giant double ended dildo and black g-string with a cock-sock, you have done some partying.
- A Giant 4.5 Liter bottle of Chivas Regal Scotch Whisky.
This thing is great. It is 142 standard drinks or, in my terms, 1 great weekend. It has its own stand to tip from and is almost novelty in size. I am really unsure of who these things are marketed at, but I am glad I have one.
The thing is, Scotch whisky isn’t my favourite. So perhaps my desire in owning one is for the gimmick of it. Though I have gained an appreciation for the fine drink and it is going steadily. I often have half the mind to buy a refill, as I don’t want it to run out.
I shant mention price, but these things aren’t cheap and it was truly sweet of my brother and sister to shell out for it.

As for now, I may not get another present until I am 50, which I fine by me. Much as I have enjoyed my various gifts, I am not very materialistic, not anymore. The best thing about this list of gifts as a collaborative effort is they all come from different aspects of life. Fashion, drink, novelty, travel, childhood fun and life need are all covered. I couldn’t be happier and more thankful to all those fine people who bought me gifts.

Until I am 50….
NP.

On Childhood Delusions and Things Unsaid.

It has become apparent, with each passing year that the dreams of mine are running faster than I am. All too often I am left at the starting gate while they take the ribbon.
Sooner or later you have to be realistic about it, I mean when your young your folks tell you that you can do whatever you want. That no dream is too big and they just want you to be happy.
I suppose they do this so you’re not disappointed from the very beginning. I think this has a lot to do with how carefree childhood is also, and likewise why so many children (yours truly included) are impatient and can’t wait to grow up and achieve all these good things.
Of course what they fail to mention is that the dreams you have are, the majority of the time, only accomplished by those with either talent or good looks and that you have neither of those.
It would be much simpler if as soon as you could comprehend, they told you something along the lines of the following;
‘I was once like you, and my parents never told me this, but you can’t do anything you want. There is probably four or five things you’re capable of that wont make you want to kill yourself, and most of them are simple and boring. So, darling child, aim low’.
It’s a bitter situation, to say the least. But I have learnt this lesson more thoroughly than most. At 21 I am back at home, with an utter lack of faith and delusions of grandeur.
NP.