I am scrutiny. When someone says, 'I
was just a kid' I inevitably think 'you should have known better'. I
do not love this about myself as forever fretting silly past
incidents only make me a shittier present human. Though this is me
and I am a hard subscriber to old dogs never learning new tricks. As
in, I am way too lazy to strive to change myself. I don't love this
about myself.
For some reason, I think of my
embarrassing moments as a child as though they occurred when I was a
reasonable adult. Naturally not a rational thing. I think I am over
compensating for the 'I was just a kid' excuse which, as we know, is
super rampant.
Anyway this is the highest of
highlight reels in terms of shit I was embrarrassed by as a kid,
deeply regret and think about how great it would be if they never
happened.
Incident One.
This one time (which is always how
these things start) I was 10 years old. In the flurry to get to
school, even though school was 20 metres from a house, I put my
shorts on backward. It is seriously, nearly as bad as the holocaust.
Older kids made fun of me for not having the fly hem in the right
place. It was before school. Being the genius I was, and am, I went
behind the toilets to remedy the situation.
Before you start, I was intending to
enter a stall to switch my shorts right way but some dumb teacher
hadn't unlocked them. Against it I changed in the open.
Then was the same year sixer who gave
me shit about the arse of my pants being where the dick should be,
and he laughed AND went back to his dickface friends.
Incident Two.
This one time I was at my cousins dads.
So I guess my dad in law. You don't understand my family, dear
reader, cousins are like sisters and brothers and parents are messy
at best.
Either way, I needed to take a shit.
There is a cousin of mine, a dear person and a dear friend, but he
was indulging himself on the shit-house and in my waiting a turd
speared out of me and into my underpants.
As a kid you know enough to know this
is dirty, shameful and not OK. I held out as long as I could, but the
smell of shit is as apparent as a missing child and eventually found
out. The dad actually ran his nose by all the arses of all those
present and one of those arses was not like the other, it was mine.
Literally full of shit. Down bottom, plain brown. Up top, pure
beetroot.
Incident Three.
I was at my grandmothers house. We were
eating, which is kinda normal for my grandmother. My guts were
playing up so I throned her toilet and took a glorious shit, that
bad-boy wasn't complete but I felt safe enough. Standing to reach the
paper was a lesson in humility. A smaller turd dropped from me,
landed right on the matt. I thought about how to remove it for a long
while, but ultimately just removed she shit proper, not the stain.
The next time I saw my grandmother she had a bone to pick. Word for
the wise, bone to pick means...BAD.
NP.
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