An Adults Guide to Getting Your Very Own Mouth From The South.

We all like to swear, actually this is blatantly untrue. A good amount like to swear, some don’t but do it any who and some don’t and slap themselves on the wrist like a child if a dreaded four letter word should pass their lips.
If you should want to work more cusses into your vocabulary, and what individual worth their salt doesn’t? I have a detailed guide, applied aptly to my own filthy mouth but open to adaptation for anyone’s needs, abilities and levels.
As we well know, substitution is the key to a healthy unhealthy vocabulary;

1. Words pertaining to random objects, or clusters of objects, shall be referred to as ’Shit’. This includes stuff, things, knick-knacks, possessions, belongings and personal property. In addition to putting a lot of syllables back in the word bank, you also come across as kinda badass.

2. A lie shall no longer be any of the following- poppycock, hogwash, piffle, fibs, bulldust or any hybrid of the two (poppy wash anyone?). The only proper response to someone’s bending or breaking of the facts shall be ‘bullshit’ or, when over used, any other variety of ‘shit’. Get creative, but not too creative, ‘penguin shit’ is liable to confuse even the wittiest of fibbers.

3. Fuck shall be considered with as much potential as possible. It should not be considered naturally detrimental or insulting as it shouldn’t be considered positive or humorous. The fuck muscle (more innuendo, you devil) shall be flexed at each opportunity available should it be in anger, sadness, surprise or shock, good fun or happiness. Again one should take into account context and tone before making assumptions on meaning and so it should be given a little more consideration in use on mediums where such things might not register (computers and text messages primarily).

4. Cunt shall be accepted in this country and possibly New Zealand the only other addition. On the stipulation that no women or children are present. And if women are present, on the stipulation that they use it first or it is during some kind of kinky, vulgar birthday sex. Again this can be an insult or an apt substitute for the word “person”.

5. Words shall not be taken as literally as they once were and, again, might be considered apt substitutes for person or individual. From henceforth a cocksucker isn’t someone who sucks cock necessarily, and a motherfucker isn’t someone who sticks it up their mother. The literal versions are dead and these words may be used as friendly, tongue-in-cheek greetings or as vicious insults at the speakers discression.

Another note: No-one who swears should be considered of less style, class, intelligence or sophistication. My hero Stephen Fry explains this more eloquently than I could:



Swearing is fun people, and so long as you don’t infect anyone who mightn’t want it, this could be a bug we all enjoy.

NP.