Let Them Eat Dirt.

My cousin had a baby recently. Not recent in terms of a babies lifespan, the tyke is a year old, but recent in the mind of my ageing ass. A few months ago she said, casually and in the run of a bigger conversation, something very interesting.

'I talk about her because that's what I have to talk about. People talk about work, or study, I talk about the baby'

It was a glorious moment of self-awareness that I have not seen in this generation of tech-savy new mothers, and it gave me pause to think about how much baby-related status updates annoy me. The usual run of things is something like this:

'Billy is teething'

'Don't, really don't rub rum on his gums. They say you should, but it is the worst thing you can do. Literally the WORST. Paprika was teething and Darren rubbed some rum on her gums and she was up for, like, days'

This is Paprika, sink or swim? Your Call. 

Firstly, it is entirely possible that Paprika was an exceptional case, or was constipated or was annoyed by the insane fluorescent shirt you were wearing.

Second; one baby with his or her own weird personality and preferences does not make you an expert on children. There are few universal truths in this world, especially when it comes to babies. My own mother who graciously bore five tall and big-headed (literally, not egotistic) children has words of wisdom, that apply to all of her children. Because your baby responds to certain things does not qualify, or even allow, you to dish that advice out as gospel.

But with social media out of the picture, there is another big failing new mothers make, and keep in mind this is coming from a cynical, bachelor male.

Your kid should not be too clean. Basically, let them play in all sorts of shit. You may think, 'that's gonna make them sick', but its just the opposite. The immune system needs practice, and if you have a chronically sickly child it is likely your fault. My little brother has this problem because, at one time, banana milk was an enormous bone of contention.

For the same reason chicken-pok parties exist it is a good idea to expose your little bastards to as much awfulness as early as possible. I think it should be obvious here that I am talking about bacteria and the like, things of the physical realm. Don't give them your emotional faults, they will have more than enough of their own soon enough.

NP.