Pork and beans, remember pork and
beans? Of course you don't, no-one does, except from Westerns,
remember Westerns? Of course you don't. Time was we would eat to
sustain ourselves, to keep from dying. Now, we eat to fortify our
status, for an experience like climbing a mountain or
circumnavigating the earth or as a human step at reaching
immortality. The restaurant you eat at seems the story and not the
meal itself, you are a beacon of iron-will if you opt for almond milk
and, oh, did you try the yak milk yoghurt? No, well go fuck yourself.
I need to make a few things clear.
Number one, I am a fatty and like eating. Number two, I know there is
a disparity between the meat of pigs anuses and trotters (otherwise
known as devon) and grain fed pork belly. I am not an idiot, nor am I
a pedantic eater.
Pretentious eating is an industry now
and we have to accept that. It is the reason Masterchef kills in the
ratings, the reason Jamie 'Fuckface' Oliver has his own line of
condiments and the reason McDonalds is moving into slow roasted beef
and such.
Anyway, we all have guilty pleasure
foods. Now they are more like judge jury and executioner foods and I
aim to make a case for each of them, in all their depraved glory.
Fish and Chips.
It is as basic as it gets. Or was.
Things like sweet potato scallops (or potato cakes to some) have
crept in. It is no longer random sea-meat (also the name of my
nautical themed all-male strip club) it is specific. It is not 'Fish
and Chips' it is, now, Barramundi and Steak-Cut chips. It is far too
gourmet for the once crowd of miners and blue-collars it once served.
The point was to eat it and enjoy it
as it was a food of the people. Something affordable and accessible
to anyone and everyone. Now though, fish and chips as we know them
has become the lowest rung on the ladder that has built itself above
them.
In not showing my age (25) Fish and
Chips has grown in price not relative to inflation. To sound like an
old fogey; in my day you could get enough to feed the family for six
bucks, now in the twenties.
Hot Dogs.
There are theories on hot-dogs. One
friend of mine has a theory that the key is not slicing the bun, but
penetrating it. Wide enough that the dog can fit with two millimetres
play either side for condiment application. The idea is that you coat
the dog itself and twist it into place; thus coating both dog and
cavity with condiment. It is not a bad theory, especially from a guy
who routinely fills a salad bowl with cheese and bacon balls, tomato
sauce and cheese to top and microwaves that bastard.
Still, for all the solid conventional
theories out there, people still want to reinvent our humble hot-dog.
I am, obviously, a huge fan of sausage. In some ways sausage defines
our national identity. Polish, Danish, Hungarian, Australian, British
and Spanish sausages all say something about the nation. But it is
the realm of none of them to end up in the humble hot-dog.
To make them at home, a round of
hot-dogs will run you under ten bucks. Yes, it is mostly anus meat,
but that is not why you eat a hot-dog. You eat it for taste and
satisfaction. A pub in Melbourne has been marketing hot-dogs with
chorizo. I do not see what makes this a hot-dog. It is nothing more
than a yuppie sausage sandwich and there is certainly nothing wrong
with that.
Pies.
The reason
places like Pie-Face are allowed to exist are the same problem with
the pie industry. The fact that our meat filled, pastry parcel ever
got that far should be a shame to all of us. It used to be, you
wanted a pie you desperately sought out a bakery, you might have even
had a favourite. Some did them deep-dish, others as thin as possible.
Some with mushroom, potato, curry, egg and bacon. That isn't dead but
it's dying. We would sooner pay 6 bucks for a pie than seek them out
independantly and naturally, we just go to the usual chain. Seems a
shame, though the bigger shame is that sausage rolls have always been
better.
Chips.
Or crisps to our
British consumers. Remember when a chip was just a chip. You had four
flavours (Original, Salt and Vinegar, BBQ and Chicken). It is fine if
you don't, I do. It was a good time. Then light and tangy showed up
and, while delicious, forever threw the balance of the chip world
off.
But nothing
would throw a spanner into the works like the deli style crisp.
Original became Sea Salt, Salt and Vinegar became Sea Salt and
Balsamic Vinegar, BBQ became Smoked Ribs and Chicken became Honey Soy
Chicken. These varieties are always two or more dollars more. Yes,
they kick ass, but that isn't the point.
What we never
knew, would never have hurt us. Shame on you, expanding food
industry.
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